I say it quite often, I love what I do. It’s not all plain sailing but I still love it. So this image of my back teeth isn’t for what I do, but all the stuff around what I do that I’m fed up off that I could very easily rant about for ages and for somethings like my work laptop I already have. But this week no ranting just an image of some of my back teeth.
Now that’s out of the way I feel much better.
I’ve mostly been pumped all week, in a good way. Leading amongst other things too..
Which I sang a lot on Thursday. I’m not sure when I stopped.
Still some heart wrenching stuff going on. When I’m in a up mood (which I am) I can and do pay attention to it more, but can’t when I’m in a lower mood it will just push me lower. I notice that $85bn feels like a big sunk cost, that I don’t understand international politicking but I do understand hard decisions, that I understand things at the individual level most and people first feels right, that none of these things nest neatly. That it’s hard being an outsider. And that sport is very very transient unless your committed.
I had a heart stopping, lump in my throat moment this week. Which was very odd, you’d think I could handle change better, but I can’t. I get over it though as I rationalise away my feelings, but it’s still there that unerringness, which I’ve been honest about in one meeting and enough honest in another. Yes everything isn’t black or white even honesty.
I know what I like. I am also ambivalent about a lot of things. I also am not sure at all about who I am. There is no I in team but there is in marriage, community and organisation well you get two I’s in organisation. I have no idea what I’m talking about now other than to say it frustrates me no end when l get caught in a sideways thoughts when I’m speaking and then bring attention to it to everyone else. I did this numerous times with the U.N.I.C.O.R.N.S 🦄 which otherwise was very nice chat.
I had a tidy-up (I put some post-it’s in my notebook) on Thursday, to make space for all the new things. It felt really nice, I feel a much bigger decluttering coming on. They made me notice something that has given me an idea, so will put that into action.
On Saturday I did that perilous thing of ordering materials for an in person workshop… oh it felt so good, even though the post-it’s are a bit small… that’s why they were a bargain 😅😅😅 still no problem.
In general its been a busy week, I don't feel like I have left my room in which my laptop is much — I have but I need a better balance. Also I can so I chose too — I know that come September I’ll be finding a new rhythm again when Schools go back. I feel this week has been half with Debbie and half with Charles who has the dubious honour of becoming my line manger. Having worked with Charles in the OrgDynamics Team I don't feel that that part is unsettling.
I’ve just added the list of all the things that I’m up to on the Team Trello — it felt unfulfilling — I’m not sure why.
I found this: 175 Best Check-In Questions for Employees in 2021 I honestly like the kids questions the best. Still helpful though.
Now it might surprise you that I sometimes start drafting this when it takes my fancy in the week, and you may not be surprised that by the close on Friday I am less pumped, but that said I’m resolute in making a decision to ask for something. So this means I’m not going to ignore or rationalise away the feeling I described earlier but I’m going to ask for something.
Loads of lovely chats this week, and most of those were with Nour Sidawi. And wonderful UKGovCamp organisers session though I felt a little out of gas.
Owning my cheese.