Last week I was mainly not governmenting, I started drafting something, then paper fell out of the chimney. So this covers my governmenting for 2 weeks.
In the three days of mainly not governmenting. I managed to switch off, it was lovely, there was sunshine and long walks with Eloise, the stress ebbed away. We did maths and hide and seek in the woods. The worries of the world were far behind, I was still reading the newspaper from last week which I finished and also helped Eloise use for paper machèté. I caught glimpses of the news, it continues to be hard, but I stayed away, I needed to take care of me I’m privileged that I can and so I did. I realised I quite like a paper as it means I can take more information in at my pace — it cuts out the emotion other than my reaction to what I read. Sometimes slow read is good for me, I must pick up books again that has definitely slipped.
On returning I found that I had properly switched off, it really did take a while to get up to speed again, things both in the team and the wider context are moving rapidly. The landscape is shifting and ebbing. Many more people were starting to examine their privilege and that was great to see, though I’m keen for one to build something that is better, and I feel like we have been making strides in that in government but it is not easy. We can’t escape the reality of our past as a country, sometimes that past weighs heavily on me and causes in action, at other times I’m able to act or reflect on it (which are both more helpful). What I find doubly hard is that I have a choice, I worry at the moment about the pressure people are under particularly BAME colleagues that don’t have the choice — choice in of itself is very much part of the privilege that I have. I’m very thankful for the time that I have had to understanding me. There is still more for me to do, and more that I can add.
This week my brain as sufficiently tricked itself into feeling brighter — that came by about Monday. I’m really glad because the reality of it is, on paper, I’m doing my dream job. It’s just I hadn’t quite expected doing it for anyone other than Clare.
The week is a bit of a blur, there are all sorts of stands of things and quite frankly at times I get lost — i’ve not been into Trello this week, which is frustrating, but I’ve had to keep on top of my email as we are setting up a group/community/network (with the hope of it springing into a movement. we shall see) and people that want to join are emailing me back — yes a form would have been less David intensive but I’ve been getting to read lots and lots of email from people from all across the Civil Service who a passionate about making change happen, and seeing how emails like this bounce around or don’t and it is very lovely to see.
Of all the lovely chats I’ve had this week my highlight was the one with Andrea. There are so many things but I keep mulling over and coming back to in other conversations. It helped me rationalize top down and bottom up approaches and my tension between the two.
Well I’m going to rest now — and come back on Monday to see what’s happened — it’s been a clear week since I was asked to do a submission, for a date in a diary — that hasn’t happened. Maybe next week I’ll add it to Trello :)
Keep struggling.
